self analyzation time -- woo hoo

Why is it that sometimes people assume you are asking for something simply because you mention it?

Or else they assume you are hinting around for something from them?

It's a shame that some people may be so jaded from their previous relationships that they can't take me at face value.

I think most of my past friends and ex's would agree -- I'm not average and I don't think like most people. I am a "What you see is what you freakin' get" kind of person.

I'm the most sincere person I know and I will continue to say that about myself until my dying day.

If there is disagreement there, I wish someone would let me know and say, "Nope, you are actually lying to yourself, girl. You are definitely not sincere and not a "what you see is what you get kind of gal." You're shallow and insensitive and think only of yourself. You don't play well with others. You have hidden motives at all times and are devious, manipulative, and underhanded. You cast schemes every day in order to get what you want and when you want it. Not a day goes by without more plans being concocted in your simple, little mind that only gives you more advantage and control over others and over your fate."

If this is the case and someone has wished to say this to me on more than one occasion, then I truly hope it comes to light soon so I can be privvy to the information and do further self evaluation and correct my crimes before my soul is irrevocably lost to the netherlands...

On a better note, I totally understand how someone might think that about not just me, but society in general because I tend to do the same thing at times...

However, I think my naivete and non-manipulative thinking has gotten me into trouble on some levels, because I tend to think more that others think just like me rather than not ... and I think I might miss some "obvious signs" along the way in regards to people's thoughts, suggestions, motives, and inner-revelations about themselves simply because I tend to take people at face value rather than reading between the lines. I tend to take people as they are and without thinking that perhaps they are saying or doing something because of a deeper, hidden meaning.

Maybe this is a fault on my part, I'm not sure exactly, but I do know it has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion (with my sister especially, who thinks the TOTAL opposite of myself and who I shall NEVER understand). It also may keep me from knowing the true nature of some individuals, and this, however, discourages me in some ways.

I hate to think that my shallow way of thinking (assuming everyone else is like me, in that if they need something or want something, they will tell me up front and not beat around the bush) has perhaps kept me from forming close relationships with people all these years. Maybe all that miscommunication has been caused by my lack of "finesse" in the social proprieties of "round about thinking and doing in order to get what you want out of life and from others."

And while it discourages me to think that any loss of friendship or relationships I've endured may have been due to my shortsightedness, I rather doubt I'd like to go back and change my lack of insight into the ways other people think.

I like my innocence in that area. I like feeling sincere, knowing I'm being sincere when I say or do something.

However... it makes me wonder about my ability to have the intuition and foresight to be able to be a psychologist.

If I can't understand and foresee human nature in many forms that it presents itself... if I can't see through someone's story... if I can't utilize some intuition about someone's state of mind and motives because I can't see past the tale they are giving me and I am taking them at face value...

there might be a problem there.

This is what bothers me this morning.

If this is the case...

then that sucks.

And that's sad.

still...

freakin' sick.

This bronchitis is going to kill me.

I've lost my voice almost completely. I sound like a squeaky mouse.

We went for a drive around the coast yesterday. I fell in love with Winterport. The perfect place to live as far as I'm concerned...trees and lush lawn overlooking the water...

I'm going to have to charge $150 an hour as a psychologist to be able to afford to live there, though.... but it's something to fantasize about and look forward to someday....

Going to see Star Wars today in Farmington. Then picking up Josh afterwards from Rick. Going to be a long day... but it'll be fun.

I just wish I'd get my voice back.

I need to get better before Pride fest next month... Can't wait to go again this year.

Not much else going on here....

dirty dancing

Went to Augusta yesterday. Went shopping at Old Navy and used my gift card up that Cheryl had given me for Xmas. Bought a pair of new jeans and a few new polo shirts. Can't wait to try them on today. Went to Panera for an early supper and actually was able to sit outside to eat because the sun...yes...the SUN...had emerged for a short time! Yay!

I was only slightly dissapointed when we went to Michael's crafts... I've been wanting to try out hot pressed paper, but the local art places are so expensive, so I thought perhaps Michael's might be a bit cheaper on their watercolor paper.... to my dismay they were even more expensive than the place in Bangor I like to go to... damnit all to hell...

Afterward, we went to Barnes and Nobles bookstore and perused the lesbian books, finding an interesting one from "On Our Backs," titled "LESBIAN SEX" in humungous letters on the front. It was funny to see Lisa carrying it around the store... but even more fun when we sat at the cafe and read several excerpts out of it, laughing and talking about (ewww) "fisting" and "rimming." I had a large caramel (C-A-R-A-M-E-L, not CARMEL, as in the town where I'd like to live, LOL, long story, Lisa knows what I'm talking about, hee hee) Latte Machiato iced coffee. It was awesome.... we sat and drank and perused the naughty book and then I looked through my favorite artist magazines.

We had a great time there before heading over to PJ's bar around 8:30. We were the only ones there for a short time, then the place filled up by 9:30 or so. Lots of new faces there... I dirty danced with Lisa on the sidelines of the dancefloor... turning her red on more than one occasion, which I absolutely LOVE to do... a few times we were the only ones dancing, and even though we were near the tables, off the dancefloor, most of the eyes were on us.... I loved every minute of it, it was awesome. Makes me feel sexy when I dirty dance...

My voice sounds like a frog, though, from being sick, and after having to strain to talk over the music, I left the bar a little bedraggled and my throat hurt. We got home, took care of the 10 cats, the 2 mallard ducks, the 6 chickens... and then we fell into bed, smiles on our faces, and kitties on our chests, vying for our attention and still scolding us for staying out so late...

Woke up this morning a tad bit tired (surprise), my throat still hurts, and my back is a little sore (probably from doing too many dips on Lisa's leg while dirty dancing, hee hee). I think I'm going to stick around close to the computer and bed only today.... dozing and then perhaps playing on the computer... until maybe... just maybe... I will get over this freakin' bronchitis thing that went into my vocal chords and makes me sound like Hepburn after a night of booze and cigarettes.

Wonder if she ever dirty danced on a woman's leg...
: )

and while I'm on my soapbox.....

This is the letter I sent to the Bangor Daily News editor this morning in response to an article about Rep. Duprey. Here is a short blurb from the article that ticked me off so much:

-----""For us to ignore [God's] will is to ignore him, and I will not sit idly by as the homosexual activists tear apart the most important building block of our society - the traditional one-man, one-woman family," said the measure's sponsor, Rep. Brian Duprey, R-Hampden, during testimony before the Legislature's Judiciary Committee. "-----

So here's my opinion to the editor:

Whatever happened to separation of church and state? Apparently that seems to only apply when the state deems it appropriate. Marriage is not a religious "Christian" institution in the USA. And it's a shame Duprey is attempting to make it that way. If it were, then Jews, Buddhists, nor Mormons would be allowed to marry. If Marriage were a religious institution, then there would only be one type of religious ceremony and it could only be performed by one type of priest/reverend. Make note that this is NOT the case and never has been. Marriage is a LEGAL institution in the USA. Otherwise you wouldn't need a judge to sign the divorce papers. And when a couple divorces, I don't believe the judge makes any comment about the couple disappointing god nor does the judge make comment on the fact that perhaps the couple didn't live up to their "godly" duty by not producing a child.

Marriage is and will always be a legal institution in America. It is a legal way for two people to be joined and to share what they have, whether this is a benefit to them or a detriment, they share it. They don't need a ceremony to accomplish this. They simply need a piece of paper, a few witnesses, and a justice of the peace. At no time does the word "GOD" need to be mentioned within the document nor within the ceremony. If Duprey would suddenly like to turn marriage into a "religious" institution, then perhaps he needs to start by defining it within a different context other than "one man-one woman." Perhaps he'd like to add "only Catholics" or "only Jews." THEN it might be considered a religious institution. Until then, I sincerely wish the government would stop condoning discrimination against gays and lesbians. It feels as though we have stepped back into the fifties where it was ok to breed disharmony and discrimination against those you don't agree with or understand.

Morality goes far beyond religion. More hatred and injustices have been done in the name of religion than for any other cause. More slaying, prejudice, brainwashing, and discrimination have been done as well. If the public can't see that, then that is where the problem lies. Morality isn't simply for those who call themselves moral. And being gay or lesbian or transgender doesn't exclude them from being moral, ethical, or downright pillars of the community. It is a true shame that many people believe being gay or lesbian excludes someone from being a good person or excludes them from the right to live a happy, prosperous life.

I used to be very patriotic, feeling as though this country...this state...was the only place in the world I could truly be myself without having to look over my shoulder every time I stepped outside my home. I am a mother, an artist, a student, and a lesbian. I used to feel proud to be these things in this wonderful state... "The way life should be..."

Now, however, I feel as though I need to not only look over my shoulder, but I also need to wear armor and get a security system installed.

This isn't the way life "should be." Whether in Nazi Germany or in New England. Discrimination is wrong no matter what tag you put on it.

from anon

Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals.
Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving.
California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the Northeast.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 p.m.EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.
So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama.
We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that.
Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck, the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs. Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. (Ouch, I bet that hurts!) Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and anti-war.
Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States' citizens back from Iraq.
If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next three and a half years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.
With the Blue States in hand, the Democrats have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, over 90% of our pineapple and lettuce, 92% of all fresh fruit production, 93% of the artichoke production, 95% of America's export quality wines, 90% of all cheese production, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the US low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Amherst, Stanford, Berkeley, CalTech and MIT. We can live simply but well.
The Red States, on the other hand, now have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care cost spike), 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of all tornadoes, 90% of all hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, 100% of all Televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, The FOX Network (we'll just throw that in), Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. A high price to pay for controlling the presidency. Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually eaten by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% believe that evolution is just a theory, 53% that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 and - most hard to grasp - 61% believe that Bush is a person of moral conviction.
Sincerely,
California

interesting tidbits....

Things I've found interesting over the last few days:

-- colds are useless wastes of time that end up making you, as well as those around you, miserable, for basically no reason at all except to force you to sleep, cough, buy cough medicine, sniffle, whine, and sleep some more for at least three days.

-- friends are useless wastes of time unless they share, care, and are loyal.

-- rain is useless except when needed to water plants every few days or even weeks. Rain for weeks on end is depressing and I had to laugh when Josh came home today to make the announcement as he walked in the door, "I LOVE the rain!"

silly boy.

-- love is useless if it makes you feel used, abused, or shamed... luckily I don't feel those things anymore, so therefore I feel very loved.... hee hee... and it isn't useless.... a good example is how she made me feel very loved this afternoon when we got home from shopping...

-- money is useless. It doesn't bring happiness or love or contentment within oneself. The finer things in life come from sharing, laughing, and loving. Those are the true riches.

-- art is useless if it doesn't make you feel something within. Not only does it need to cause the onlooker to feel something.... the artist themselves need to feel something within as they make it. Otherwise it isn't a part of themselves and therefore.... not art.

-- The future should be the color yellow.

-- Joshua was signed out of all special therapies today. No more speech therapy.... nothing ever again. He was deemed extremely smart and a very unique little kid. I'm very proud of him, yet I teared up when they signed him out of therapy this morning at our parent meeting. When he was 3 and a half he refused to talk at all.... the speech therapist would pull her hair out for months attempting to get him to talk. He's almost ten now and has a vocabulary of a 14 year old. My eyes teared up as I thought about him running around the house refusing to talk... and now he is a brilliant little guy with such a bright future. He's going to theater camp this summer and he wants to be an actor. I tell him he can be anything he wants to.... and I mean it. I love him so much. He has blossomed since we moved here. I'm so glad to have him.

-- Life is wonderful even though I feel like crap....

painting

Last night was my watercolor class with this wonderful woman named Connie Henderson. It was probably THE most valuable lesson thus far. I'll post a pic of it in my yahoo pictures later and put the link in here perhaps.

I've had so much fun with my painting. It's the most relaxing, rewarding hobby I've ever taken up. Actually, I'm starting to think it's going beyond a hobby.... I crave it whenever I don't have the time for several days to work on it. It's almost an addiction.... something that is good for my soul.

I would like to implement art into my psychology degree somehow. I'm thinking about specializing in art therapy. Perhaps different types of art therapy for different problems. Such as sculpture or pottery for abuse victims. Giving them back a feeling of solidity with their hands. Power to shape something solid.

Or perhaps surreal painting for stress management problems. Or watercolors for depression.

There is actually an Association strictly for those who utilize art therapy in mental health fields. They have a long list of uses and it is approved forms of therapy by the American Psychiatric Counsel. It's interesting. I am heavily leaning towards finding out more and taking several studio art classes in college.

I wish I'd found this part of me years ago....

I woke up a tad sick this morning. Lisa's friend, Jen, came from Indiana this last weekend to stay three days with us --- with a cold.

It's in my throat and chest already. Only took three days. Must be a good one.

Great.

Sick.

Just freakin' love it.

if you don't like the weather...

I'm hating the rain we've been getting lately. It's kept us from doing yard work for many days. Yesterday we were finally able to finish putting in the garden. I've never had a veggie garden before, so this ought to be interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing the broccoli and peas grow. Between the slugs (overpopulation of them this year, yuck!) and raccoons, though, I'm not sure we'll have much of a garden.....

oops, maybe we will! Lisa just came in from outside and said the garden is still standing! Yay!

Lisa's friend, Jennifer, is coming in from out of state this morning. We're getting ready for her visit, so I have to go....

This week has been yard-week -- I'm loving it... very relaxing...

separation of past and state....er....present...

Not being worth it. That's what was running through my head. Being thrown away when faced with the choice. Being tossed away like a dead leaf from a newly burgeoning tree. When given a hard choice, choosing everything else over me.

That's what was running through my head yesterday. And all the past memories and where those emotions first stemmed from came swelling into my throat and my chest and I barely saw the road as I drove up rte 2 to Bangor.

The emotions weren't logical, I'm sure. I was devestated and ripped apart inside. It was like reliving the night I got on my hands and knees all over again. Silence. Turning away from me. Walking out. Letting me go without a fight. Making sure I knew I was worthless and not worth the effort of even a single word..... a single glance.... no expression to say that my words had any effect at all. My pain unnoticed.

That's what I was feeling. No comparison, of course, but my emotions were taking over my head. That's all I could do...... feel....

I've decided to analyze some of it..... why one of my biggest fears and pains comes from when I feel as though someone is saying I'm not worth any effort to keep around.....

I know when it started.... perhaps as early as age 3. My father was a truck driver and one night he came home when I was getting into the bathtub. I was scared to death of him. This big, burly guy, coming in to say hi.... I had no clue who he was. I actually think this is my earliest memory.

My mom worked full time and my dad was rarely home. When he was home, he didn't care to take part in raising us. I pretty much felt like I raised myself for the most part. My mom was too busy and tired to cook or clean. After I was about 7, it was my sister and I cleaning the entire house and if we didn't do it right, we got hell.

At age 12 I had a trauma in my life which I won't go into now, but needless to say it ended in my parents giving gaurdianship of me over to my sister and her husband...... which is another terrible story that doesn't end until age 18.....

I felt abandonded. Lost. No one wanted me. I wasn't worth the time or trouble to be loved or cherished..... no one came to my choir concerts.... my mom claims to this day she came to every one of them..... which is complete and utter bullshit because I used to have to get a ride with friends to get there. I would spend days in my room on vacations and holidays and my mom never noticed. My dad was invisible by this time. By the time I was put back into the house with my parents I was fairly jaded against life. Abandonment. Pain. Responsibility. I had to take care of myself and no one else.

When I was 16, my parents wanted to move to Maine. I was upset because I had worked so hard in high school. I had only one year left and I didn't want to leave. I wanted to go to Kent State..... I didn't want to go out to the middle of nowhere to a new state, a new town, new friends......

So my parents came up with this brilliant idea. This guy, who I had been "sorta" dating..... they asked him to marry me so I could stay in the state as a minor. I felt like a piece of meat auctioned off to the highest bidder. My parents didn't want to sacrifice another year in Ohio for me. I wasn't worth it. They wanted what they wanted regardless of the cost.

They set me up in an apartment until the wedding. I worked part time, went to school, and then I got married. Of course we all know how that turned out. I tried to get him into counseling with me (I was already going.... even back then I knew my limits of emotional capability)..... he refused. He would go silent if I pissed him off..... which meant if I didn't get his food on the table on time.... or make the bed just right..... or please him in bed.....

The last straw was one evening I tried to get him into bed and he told me I was too fat to fuck. I was a size 10.

I left him immediately.... got another job and went to college.

Through all of this, my parents didn't pay a dime. Not one red cent. Nothing towards my college or my living expenses. My mom was pissed when she found out I left Mark. She said he would have at least taken care of me and that was their plan for me.

My father was pissed, too. I wrote them a very long, hateful letter telling them exactly what I thought of them.....

Did no good. They never acknowledged it, but I knew they got it because I found it years later in my mother's safety box when I was helping her pack.

In the mean time, I fell in love with a girl at college. For a year and a half we were inseparable. We slept together, but then she dropped me, claiming she wasn't a lesbian and I was, and that it grossed her out so we couldn't be friends anymore. I was devestated. This all happened around the time my financial aid was put on hold because the FA officer was being audited. My case was one of the ones frozen and under investigation. I lost my work study and all my financial aid. I came back to my parents with my tail between my legs, hoping against hope that they would help me get back into college.

No such luck.

My dad laughed when I asked for the money to go to college. They had a condo and two new cars, a new boat, and all the clothing L.L.Bean could buy. But no money for me.... their only daughter together..... nothing left to help me out....

I was disolusioned to say the least. I was pissed. Hurt. Bitter.

I decided to hide. Hide who I was..... do what everyone wanted of me..... perhaps that way I'd gain their love and they'd attempt to be a part of my life.

To no avail. I married Ricky on the condition of friendship. I wanted a child. We tried for a few years, but just when I gave up, I got pregnant.

Rick was addicted to the computer. Family was a term he didn't know. When we'd plan family things, it always ended up being Josh and I alone. We weren't good enough or worth the time and energy for him to get off the computer and live life for.....

I got involved with a woman who had a g/f..... she said she loved me, but she wouldn't leave her g/f for me. I told her she needed to either let me go or leave her g/f if she loved me that much. She refused to do either..... instead it turned into a cruel three and a half year game which ended up in me kicking her out of our apartment..... She claimed she would go to counseling in order to keep me.....she said she'd do anything to keep me.... she loved me.....

Yet when I came down to it, she refused. I wasn't worth the effort.......

My mother never stepped foot in my apartment for two years..... I lived there for two years, invited her over several hundred times.... she never went.....

I've been living here for 7 months..... with her grandson.... she never calls.... she won't visit.....

My aunt keeps saying she'll come visit.... she backs out each time. She never calls to see how we're doing. She never emails.....

My sister has called me once in the last six months. She won't come see her nephew.... or me....

My father..... he lives two hours away, pretty much the same distance as the rest of my family (before the move 7 months ago, I only lived two minutes away from them)...... I haven't seen my father in over two years. He won't come see his grandson..... or me....

When I asked him for help two years ago, with buying furniture for his grandson's bedroom..... he said no, he didn't have it.... yet two days later he called me in a drunken stupor bragging about his new $1500 fridge he bought from sears he bought to keep his beer cold in the back computer room of his house. He had a hard time understanding why I was pissed at him.

I've invited my family out to my home many times. His grandparents, great aunt, and aunt are all too busy to call, email, or come visit I guess.

Yeah, I feel like Josh and I have never been worth it to anyone....... no one values us enough..... to love us.... to care about us..... through thick and thin..... to treat us like family..... to not throw us away when we interfere with their lives....

Until now.

I hate that feeling..... the feeling worthless thing...... I never felt like anyone cared enough...... I have sacrificed energy, love, caring, kindness, and support to everyone around me.... I was always the first one at the scene when someone needed me....

And where are my friends at now?

They say I was the one who abandoned them..... I know that's what they say amongst themselves..... but the truth is, I wasn't worth the effort for them to call or email.... I attempted to call and email, to keep in touch with many of them..... not one called after I moved to see how I was..... I wasn't worth it. Not one came to see me..... not one of my most "loyal" friends..... who I would have fucking DIED for at one time....... could be bothered.....

My own family won't even come to visit...... I guess that says it all..... if they won't value us enough.... how can I expect anyone else to......

I always thought love was supposed to transend all that... regardless of arguments, the past, or the miles in between.... I thought love was what it took in order to get through life..... loyal loved-ones sticking by your side.... being there when you need someone to talk to..... no matter what.

I guess I'm a bit bitter and jaded when it comes to that. I've always been the "throw away" friend/relative. Maybe it is me. Maybe it is something wrong with me.

My therapist told me once that we always worry least about the strongest person in the group. Everyone else's needs always come before the strongest person's..... because no one needs to worry about them..... they know they will be taken care of.... they will always survive no matter what.

She said I'm that person.

I'm not sure if she's right..... but I'm beginning to think so. And you know what?

That's fine.

If people can go through life without loyalty, love, and friendship...... even family..... then so be it.

But my pursuits lie elsewhere.

Family, love, and loyalty mean something to me. I would have always been there for my friends and relatives... Always. No matter what. It's about damn time I found someone who valued the same thing.

One friend throughout all this has stayed fairly loyal..... we still talk.... and I've always said she was the most loyal friend I've ever seen..... I value her..... I refuse to throw her away..... even under ultimatum.....

And Lisa. With her, I realize I've found loyalty. Family. Love. Support.

After all this time...... after all the shit I've been through.....

After all the pain and suffering and not feeling worth the trouble.....

she finally is making me feel like I'm worth something..... she values me and Josh....

She's not going to throw us away.... she's going to fight for us.... for me..... for our family.... for our love.... for our loyalty.... for our home.....

And for that, I'm very grateful. I have a solitary friend and a lover.... two people in the world, who I could go to if I was in need......

Thank you.

As for the rest, they can go to hell.

Yeah.

I'm a little bitter.

Can ya tell?

creative day

I spent a lot of today painting. In my own little world. Funny thing is, I listened to my Notting Hill CD while I painted and it reminded me of the past for some reason. I had strange dreams the other night that kinda went along with the memories. Wonder if on some levels I'm still healing. Certain things will always remind me of the past and the good memories, as well as the bad, that comes along with them. I have to keep reminding myself some days that I'm still healing and I'm a completely different person now than I was just a year ago. I like who I am now. The ghosts of the past don't haunt me quite so much anymore. I've come to terms with things I've done and with most of what was done to me.

Pain has made me who I am today. Lisa was right. Pain is what shapes us. It's what gives us meaning. Without knowing the depth of pain, we cannot know the height of happiness. I've been through the pain and I believe I've found my happiness.

I spend my days painting, playing with Josh, zipping around the state with Lisa, working in the yard, and enjoying life. I have college to look forward to this fall. I know that this time I will finally finish my degree. I believe I finally know who I am. I am me. I'm comfortable with me. I like myself even with all my shortcomings. I know my weaknesses as well as my strengths. I know what I'm capable of and what I am not..... yet sometimes I do surprise even myself.
I couldn't be who I am right now without Lisa and her support. I couldn't be who I am right now without being Josh's mom. I couldn't be who I am right now without having gone through the past.... loving.... hurting....healing.....

Funny how we think one thing will make us superbly happy and it turns out that it is the total opposite. Of course, sometimes we can't be sure of that because we don't know what we are missing on the other side. So I guess we can only take what we can, enjoy the happiness ..... let the complete happiness expand our lives and fill us up. And then remember it through the bad times.... and allow it to come back whenever we can....

I think some people keep it from coming back. I think some people almost had it but turned their backs on it. I know I did a few times in my life.... I turned away and went into a different direction..... but I needed to do that in order to be who I am right now.

Life has so much more to offer me...... I know it does. I figure the day I will die will be the day I wake up and have nothing left which I want to see, do, or learn. That shall be the day I die. I hope to live to a ripe old age before I give up on those things. Before I forget what it is like to wake up to birds singing and Josh's voice saying, "Mom, it's time to wake up now!" or the feel of "Molly's Monster's" as it rolls off my tongue even now..... years later, I'm still reciting it... and I hope I never forget the words.... I hope to never forget how it felt to see Phantom of the Opera for the first time..... how my soul lifted out of my chest and my eyes filled with tears..... I hope to never forget glimpes in time throughout my life.... smiles, glances, caresses, sunshine, ocean visits..... music.... lyrics..... things that still bring smiles to my face when I think of them.
I hope to add to those memories.... make more of them. More things to make me smile and my eyes sparkle in the morning light.

I hope I'll be a 100 and still playing with my big, pink-footed frog in bed (don't ask..... LOL).....

Yes.

I want to be a shriveled up old lady.... playing with my frog... making smiles and laughter.... remembering smiles and laughter..... and knowing I have yet another day to make my life count....

freshly ground coffee

I love the fact that she makes my coffee for me every day. She adores the smell of the freshly ground gourmet coffee even if she hates the taste of it.

I love the fact that she says "twiggle" instead of "twiddle" and makes me roar with laughter as we banter back and forth using it in strange new ways.

I love the fact that she and Joshua have this special bond all their own and Josh smiles whenever he sees her.

I love the fact that when she hugs me she makes me feel special and loved in a way I've never felt before with anyone else.

I love the fact that intimacy with her isn't the "traditional" intimacy.... it means so much more between us and it makes me feel close to her, as though I could touch her heart with my hand.

I love the fact that when we spend time together we laugh and hold hands and appreciate each other so much.

I love the fact that she is my biggest fan and is so supportive of who I truly am... even more so than my own family, who doesn't really know a thing about me and who could probably care less anyway.

I love the fact that when I walk in the door she is waiting with a smile for me.

I love the fact that I'm so in love with her.....

today

I woke up this morning and went out on the front deck to watch the wildlife while I drank my coffee and was pleasantly surprised to see about five brightly yellowed finches swarming around the bird feeder near the pear tree. It was soothing and quiet, and warmed my soul in the way that only nature can do first thing in the morning.

I watched the squirrels fighting over peanuts or some such thing for about five more minutes before getting antsy to check out the freshly sprouted seedlings in the greenhouse. We planted some of them almost two weeks ago, but only half are coming up from that batch, so it makes me wonder if perhaps a frost got to them even though we protected them in the barn until late last week.

After I puttered around the yard for about fifteen more minutes,

Lisa was grumpy (she admitted this herself, although all I could tell was that she seemed a bit peeved at the world and not much else) so I decided to help out a bit by going to Wally World for a few things. Soda, which we go through at an enourmous rate, some things for the flowers, a surge protector (for the fish tank, which Teddy Bear, the scoundrel, broke and unleashed many gallons of water upon our hardwood floor), and some veggies, including some kale for the wild turkeys out near the back woods.

After I got back, I was hungry for lunch and Josh's new allergic-reaction-type rash was looking better, so I made us some lunch and ate on the deck. The sandwich was spectacular, with fresh tomatoes and the wheat bread made by Lisa's own two little hands, and I finished it in record time I think.

This afternoon I received all my information for my financial aid for college. Lisa and I perused through that and decided that A) I'm very lucky, and B) I will accept all my financial aid except the work-study part. I'm a single mom and I really don't want to be away from home MORE than full time class hours, not including all the hours I will endure tedious studying/doing homework.

After I puttered in the yard, replanting some heather, asters, daisies, and marigolds, I decided that it was time to try out my new acrylics. I've been using watercolors for the last few months, with superb results, but this week I decided to try my hand at acrylics, so I pulled out a pallette, some paper, my paints and brushes, and headed back outside on the deck with Lisa.

While she read I attempted to paint, but I'm not really sure how well I am at manipulating these types of paints. They dry very quickly and if you can't get back to a section very quickly, you're basically out of luck if you wished to blend some more color in a certain spot.

Joshua decided he wanted to try to paint with me, so I pulled out my student watercolors for him and he spent half an hour doing a colorful abstract. By this time it was obvious his rash was getting worse again (poor thing) and so we sent him indoors out of the sun.

I realized a few things today....

-- the damn dreams I had last night don't really mean a thing.... this was something on my mind today and worried me that perhaps I was having some trouble adjusting to something.

-- that I love the finches and the new "couple" in town, a pair of grossbeaks, the squirrels, the owl, the chipmunks, the racoon, and especially the wild turkeys (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that they showed up while I was beginning to paint and Lisa took some video of them with her new camcorder).... so anyway, yeah, I love all the little nature we have outside here. It's soothing and I don't think I've ever been this stress-free before.

-- I think I've changed a lot over the last year. Things that used to once mean something to me, don't have as high a priority anymore..... and other things that rated lower, now are on the top of my list.

-- I'm happy.