creative day

I spent a lot of today painting. In my own little world. Funny thing is, I listened to my Notting Hill CD while I painted and it reminded me of the past for some reason. I had strange dreams the other night that kinda went along with the memories. Wonder if on some levels I'm still healing. Certain things will always remind me of the past and the good memories, as well as the bad, that comes along with them. I have to keep reminding myself some days that I'm still healing and I'm a completely different person now than I was just a year ago. I like who I am now. The ghosts of the past don't haunt me quite so much anymore. I've come to terms with things I've done and with most of what was done to me.

Pain has made me who I am today. Lisa was right. Pain is what shapes us. It's what gives us meaning. Without knowing the depth of pain, we cannot know the height of happiness. I've been through the pain and I believe I've found my happiness.

I spend my days painting, playing with Josh, zipping around the state with Lisa, working in the yard, and enjoying life. I have college to look forward to this fall. I know that this time I will finally finish my degree. I believe I finally know who I am. I am me. I'm comfortable with me. I like myself even with all my shortcomings. I know my weaknesses as well as my strengths. I know what I'm capable of and what I am not..... yet sometimes I do surprise even myself.
I couldn't be who I am right now without Lisa and her support. I couldn't be who I am right now without being Josh's mom. I couldn't be who I am right now without having gone through the past.... loving.... hurting....healing.....

Funny how we think one thing will make us superbly happy and it turns out that it is the total opposite. Of course, sometimes we can't be sure of that because we don't know what we are missing on the other side. So I guess we can only take what we can, enjoy the happiness ..... let the complete happiness expand our lives and fill us up. And then remember it through the bad times.... and allow it to come back whenever we can....

I think some people keep it from coming back. I think some people almost had it but turned their backs on it. I know I did a few times in my life.... I turned away and went into a different direction..... but I needed to do that in order to be who I am right now.

Life has so much more to offer me...... I know it does. I figure the day I will die will be the day I wake up and have nothing left which I want to see, do, or learn. That shall be the day I die. I hope to live to a ripe old age before I give up on those things. Before I forget what it is like to wake up to birds singing and Josh's voice saying, "Mom, it's time to wake up now!" or the feel of "Molly's Monster's" as it rolls off my tongue even now..... years later, I'm still reciting it... and I hope I never forget the words.... I hope to never forget how it felt to see Phantom of the Opera for the first time..... how my soul lifted out of my chest and my eyes filled with tears..... I hope to never forget glimpes in time throughout my life.... smiles, glances, caresses, sunshine, ocean visits..... music.... lyrics..... things that still bring smiles to my face when I think of them.
I hope to add to those memories.... make more of them. More things to make me smile and my eyes sparkle in the morning light.

I hope I'll be a 100 and still playing with my big, pink-footed frog in bed (don't ask..... LOL).....

Yes.

I want to be a shriveled up old lady.... playing with my frog... making smiles and laughter.... remembering smiles and laughter..... and knowing I have yet another day to make my life count....