separation of past and state....er....present...

Not being worth it. That's what was running through my head. Being thrown away when faced with the choice. Being tossed away like a dead leaf from a newly burgeoning tree. When given a hard choice, choosing everything else over me.

That's what was running through my head yesterday. And all the past memories and where those emotions first stemmed from came swelling into my throat and my chest and I barely saw the road as I drove up rte 2 to Bangor.

The emotions weren't logical, I'm sure. I was devestated and ripped apart inside. It was like reliving the night I got on my hands and knees all over again. Silence. Turning away from me. Walking out. Letting me go without a fight. Making sure I knew I was worthless and not worth the effort of even a single word..... a single glance.... no expression to say that my words had any effect at all. My pain unnoticed.

That's what I was feeling. No comparison, of course, but my emotions were taking over my head. That's all I could do...... feel....

I've decided to analyze some of it..... why one of my biggest fears and pains comes from when I feel as though someone is saying I'm not worth any effort to keep around.....

I know when it started.... perhaps as early as age 3. My father was a truck driver and one night he came home when I was getting into the bathtub. I was scared to death of him. This big, burly guy, coming in to say hi.... I had no clue who he was. I actually think this is my earliest memory.

My mom worked full time and my dad was rarely home. When he was home, he didn't care to take part in raising us. I pretty much felt like I raised myself for the most part. My mom was too busy and tired to cook or clean. After I was about 7, it was my sister and I cleaning the entire house and if we didn't do it right, we got hell.

At age 12 I had a trauma in my life which I won't go into now, but needless to say it ended in my parents giving gaurdianship of me over to my sister and her husband...... which is another terrible story that doesn't end until age 18.....

I felt abandonded. Lost. No one wanted me. I wasn't worth the time or trouble to be loved or cherished..... no one came to my choir concerts.... my mom claims to this day she came to every one of them..... which is complete and utter bullshit because I used to have to get a ride with friends to get there. I would spend days in my room on vacations and holidays and my mom never noticed. My dad was invisible by this time. By the time I was put back into the house with my parents I was fairly jaded against life. Abandonment. Pain. Responsibility. I had to take care of myself and no one else.

When I was 16, my parents wanted to move to Maine. I was upset because I had worked so hard in high school. I had only one year left and I didn't want to leave. I wanted to go to Kent State..... I didn't want to go out to the middle of nowhere to a new state, a new town, new friends......

So my parents came up with this brilliant idea. This guy, who I had been "sorta" dating..... they asked him to marry me so I could stay in the state as a minor. I felt like a piece of meat auctioned off to the highest bidder. My parents didn't want to sacrifice another year in Ohio for me. I wasn't worth it. They wanted what they wanted regardless of the cost.

They set me up in an apartment until the wedding. I worked part time, went to school, and then I got married. Of course we all know how that turned out. I tried to get him into counseling with me (I was already going.... even back then I knew my limits of emotional capability)..... he refused. He would go silent if I pissed him off..... which meant if I didn't get his food on the table on time.... or make the bed just right..... or please him in bed.....

The last straw was one evening I tried to get him into bed and he told me I was too fat to fuck. I was a size 10.

I left him immediately.... got another job and went to college.

Through all of this, my parents didn't pay a dime. Not one red cent. Nothing towards my college or my living expenses. My mom was pissed when she found out I left Mark. She said he would have at least taken care of me and that was their plan for me.

My father was pissed, too. I wrote them a very long, hateful letter telling them exactly what I thought of them.....

Did no good. They never acknowledged it, but I knew they got it because I found it years later in my mother's safety box when I was helping her pack.

In the mean time, I fell in love with a girl at college. For a year and a half we were inseparable. We slept together, but then she dropped me, claiming she wasn't a lesbian and I was, and that it grossed her out so we couldn't be friends anymore. I was devestated. This all happened around the time my financial aid was put on hold because the FA officer was being audited. My case was one of the ones frozen and under investigation. I lost my work study and all my financial aid. I came back to my parents with my tail between my legs, hoping against hope that they would help me get back into college.

No such luck.

My dad laughed when I asked for the money to go to college. They had a condo and two new cars, a new boat, and all the clothing L.L.Bean could buy. But no money for me.... their only daughter together..... nothing left to help me out....

I was disolusioned to say the least. I was pissed. Hurt. Bitter.

I decided to hide. Hide who I was..... do what everyone wanted of me..... perhaps that way I'd gain their love and they'd attempt to be a part of my life.

To no avail. I married Ricky on the condition of friendship. I wanted a child. We tried for a few years, but just when I gave up, I got pregnant.

Rick was addicted to the computer. Family was a term he didn't know. When we'd plan family things, it always ended up being Josh and I alone. We weren't good enough or worth the time and energy for him to get off the computer and live life for.....

I got involved with a woman who had a g/f..... she said she loved me, but she wouldn't leave her g/f for me. I told her she needed to either let me go or leave her g/f if she loved me that much. She refused to do either..... instead it turned into a cruel three and a half year game which ended up in me kicking her out of our apartment..... She claimed she would go to counseling in order to keep me.....she said she'd do anything to keep me.... she loved me.....

Yet when I came down to it, she refused. I wasn't worth the effort.......

My mother never stepped foot in my apartment for two years..... I lived there for two years, invited her over several hundred times.... she never went.....

I've been living here for 7 months..... with her grandson.... she never calls.... she won't visit.....

My aunt keeps saying she'll come visit.... she backs out each time. She never calls to see how we're doing. She never emails.....

My sister has called me once in the last six months. She won't come see her nephew.... or me....

My father..... he lives two hours away, pretty much the same distance as the rest of my family (before the move 7 months ago, I only lived two minutes away from them)...... I haven't seen my father in over two years. He won't come see his grandson..... or me....

When I asked him for help two years ago, with buying furniture for his grandson's bedroom..... he said no, he didn't have it.... yet two days later he called me in a drunken stupor bragging about his new $1500 fridge he bought from sears he bought to keep his beer cold in the back computer room of his house. He had a hard time understanding why I was pissed at him.

I've invited my family out to my home many times. His grandparents, great aunt, and aunt are all too busy to call, email, or come visit I guess.

Yeah, I feel like Josh and I have never been worth it to anyone....... no one values us enough..... to love us.... to care about us..... through thick and thin..... to treat us like family..... to not throw us away when we interfere with their lives....

Until now.

I hate that feeling..... the feeling worthless thing...... I never felt like anyone cared enough...... I have sacrificed energy, love, caring, kindness, and support to everyone around me.... I was always the first one at the scene when someone needed me....

And where are my friends at now?

They say I was the one who abandoned them..... I know that's what they say amongst themselves..... but the truth is, I wasn't worth the effort for them to call or email.... I attempted to call and email, to keep in touch with many of them..... not one called after I moved to see how I was..... I wasn't worth it. Not one came to see me..... not one of my most "loyal" friends..... who I would have fucking DIED for at one time....... could be bothered.....

My own family won't even come to visit...... I guess that says it all..... if they won't value us enough.... how can I expect anyone else to......

I always thought love was supposed to transend all that... regardless of arguments, the past, or the miles in between.... I thought love was what it took in order to get through life..... loyal loved-ones sticking by your side.... being there when you need someone to talk to..... no matter what.

I guess I'm a bit bitter and jaded when it comes to that. I've always been the "throw away" friend/relative. Maybe it is me. Maybe it is something wrong with me.

My therapist told me once that we always worry least about the strongest person in the group. Everyone else's needs always come before the strongest person's..... because no one needs to worry about them..... they know they will be taken care of.... they will always survive no matter what.

She said I'm that person.

I'm not sure if she's right..... but I'm beginning to think so. And you know what?

That's fine.

If people can go through life without loyalty, love, and friendship...... even family..... then so be it.

But my pursuits lie elsewhere.

Family, love, and loyalty mean something to me. I would have always been there for my friends and relatives... Always. No matter what. It's about damn time I found someone who valued the same thing.

One friend throughout all this has stayed fairly loyal..... we still talk.... and I've always said she was the most loyal friend I've ever seen..... I value her..... I refuse to throw her away..... even under ultimatum.....

And Lisa. With her, I realize I've found loyalty. Family. Love. Support.

After all this time...... after all the shit I've been through.....

After all the pain and suffering and not feeling worth the trouble.....

she finally is making me feel like I'm worth something..... she values me and Josh....

She's not going to throw us away.... she's going to fight for us.... for me..... for our family.... for our love.... for our loyalty.... for our home.....

And for that, I'm very grateful. I have a solitary friend and a lover.... two people in the world, who I could go to if I was in need......

Thank you.

As for the rest, they can go to hell.

Yeah.

I'm a little bitter.

Can ya tell?