Been a long few weeks
The last few weeks has been spent doing the following:
1. Getting over my severe back pain which the chiropractor made worse by cracking my upper back and causing another nerve to get pinched off, thus causing a series of miserable migraines that go from the back of my head all the way up to my eyes and SQUEEZES the life out of me. I've been doing better, but last night and today the migraine has been just below the surface and I'm hurting tonight.
2. Meeting with my advisor at the college concerning my classes for next semester as well as discussing my options for my Doctoral program. At UM we can skip our Master's Degree and go right for the Ph.D. if we so desire (AND we get accepted into the VERY competitive program, that is). So I've been gauging my chances of actually making it into the program. Apparently I have a very good chance of getting in and I'm going to end up on my first official team of researchers in a few weeks. I have no clue what we're studying as of yet, but my advisor assures me it is in an area I am interested in and has something to do with cognition and memory.
3. Dealing with Joshua growing up. Tonight he ended up asking all the right questions which ended up in him knowing about his Asperger's syndrome as well as knowing there is no Santa Claus. We talked, discussed things, I assured him that he won't get less presents this year, he assured me he doesn't hate me for lying all these years, and that it's ok if we skip the tree this year, as long as I promise to help him decorate his room in yellow xmas lights and gold garland. Of course I relented with a tear in my eye and a smile on my lips. My heart swelled with pride as he took the news of Santa like a trooper, instead of arguing with me, running to his room and slamming his door, swearing he hates my guts forever like he did last year when I attempted to tell him the truth about the jolly old guy in the red suit. I felt so guilty last year I ended up still playing the part and he never thought any more of it until tonight. It came out with him asking if he could send his Xmas wish list to Santa tomorrow. At that point I knew I had to tell him. And all of this only half an hour after he came in and asked what I was studying on the computer -- what was the word "autism" on the screen? I'm researching the connection between metacognition and asperger's syndrome (or high functioning autism) for my first major research project -- So, within half an hour, I think Joshua ended up growing up about two years.... and I ended up with about twenty gray hairs I think....
4. Realizing how much I love my home and my family. The last few weeks has brought with them a new realization that I am very lucky to have such a beautiful, caring partner and a sweet son. I also realized that Josh is growing up faster than I can imagine and my past identity as his mother has slowly been morphing into something different. He doesn't need me for the same things any more. It's kind of like getting empty nest syndrome about 8 years too early. I suddenly realized that the identity as Josh's mother no longer meant the same thing. He's his own person now and he's done most of his personality changes. I can only hope I've done the best job I can and that over the next few years Lisa and I continue to encourage the same morals and work ethics we have been over the last year and a half. I feel like now it's almost out of my hands. Now, I'm not just "a mother" anymore. I'm something else.... I'm something more.... and something less all at the same time. I'm me. I'm my own person again.... like I was before he was born.... it's really strange and scary to think that my identity has changed suddenly. But it has. I know it has. It's changed dramatically over the last few months even. I'm not JUST his mother.... I'm also a lover, a partner, a psychologist, a student, a researcher, an artist, a lesbian..... something more, yet something less.... something free and something bound all at the same time. Hard to explain, I know, but it has made me somewhat sad the last few weeks off and on. Lisa has noticed and has been very sweet and understanding. I'm so glad I have her. She really makes me feel very loved. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be paired with. She makes life brighter every day.
So, yeah, that's what I've been up to the last several weeks.
Along with exams and school work and arguing with my ex over stupid shit....
1. Getting over my severe back pain which the chiropractor made worse by cracking my upper back and causing another nerve to get pinched off, thus causing a series of miserable migraines that go from the back of my head all the way up to my eyes and SQUEEZES the life out of me. I've been doing better, but last night and today the migraine has been just below the surface and I'm hurting tonight.
2. Meeting with my advisor at the college concerning my classes for next semester as well as discussing my options for my Doctoral program. At UM we can skip our Master's Degree and go right for the Ph.D. if we so desire (AND we get accepted into the VERY competitive program, that is). So I've been gauging my chances of actually making it into the program. Apparently I have a very good chance of getting in and I'm going to end up on my first official team of researchers in a few weeks. I have no clue what we're studying as of yet, but my advisor assures me it is in an area I am interested in and has something to do with cognition and memory.
3. Dealing with Joshua growing up. Tonight he ended up asking all the right questions which ended up in him knowing about his Asperger's syndrome as well as knowing there is no Santa Claus. We talked, discussed things, I assured him that he won't get less presents this year, he assured me he doesn't hate me for lying all these years, and that it's ok if we skip the tree this year, as long as I promise to help him decorate his room in yellow xmas lights and gold garland. Of course I relented with a tear in my eye and a smile on my lips. My heart swelled with pride as he took the news of Santa like a trooper, instead of arguing with me, running to his room and slamming his door, swearing he hates my guts forever like he did last year when I attempted to tell him the truth about the jolly old guy in the red suit. I felt so guilty last year I ended up still playing the part and he never thought any more of it until tonight. It came out with him asking if he could send his Xmas wish list to Santa tomorrow. At that point I knew I had to tell him. And all of this only half an hour after he came in and asked what I was studying on the computer -- what was the word "autism" on the screen? I'm researching the connection between metacognition and asperger's syndrome (or high functioning autism) for my first major research project -- So, within half an hour, I think Joshua ended up growing up about two years.... and I ended up with about twenty gray hairs I think....
4. Realizing how much I love my home and my family. The last few weeks has brought with them a new realization that I am very lucky to have such a beautiful, caring partner and a sweet son. I also realized that Josh is growing up faster than I can imagine and my past identity as his mother has slowly been morphing into something different. He doesn't need me for the same things any more. It's kind of like getting empty nest syndrome about 8 years too early. I suddenly realized that the identity as Josh's mother no longer meant the same thing. He's his own person now and he's done most of his personality changes. I can only hope I've done the best job I can and that over the next few years Lisa and I continue to encourage the same morals and work ethics we have been over the last year and a half. I feel like now it's almost out of my hands. Now, I'm not just "a mother" anymore. I'm something else.... I'm something more.... and something less all at the same time. I'm me. I'm my own person again.... like I was before he was born.... it's really strange and scary to think that my identity has changed suddenly. But it has. I know it has. It's changed dramatically over the last few months even. I'm not JUST his mother.... I'm also a lover, a partner, a psychologist, a student, a researcher, an artist, a lesbian..... something more, yet something less.... something free and something bound all at the same time. Hard to explain, I know, but it has made me somewhat sad the last few weeks off and on. Lisa has noticed and has been very sweet and understanding. I'm so glad I have her. She really makes me feel very loved. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be paired with. She makes life brighter every day.
So, yeah, that's what I've been up to the last several weeks.
Along with exams and school work and arguing with my ex over stupid shit....
posted by Artist...Lesbian...Someone new... at
7:24 PM
|
0 comments
width="240" height="180"
